Horoscopes for the week of 11/22

ARIES

Palmaris longus is a long muscle of the anterior forearm. It extends from the distal humerus to the root of the hand, although it can be absent in 10% of people. We don’t really use it anymore, neither do chimps or our other close primate relatives. It does help with pinch strength in the 4th and 5th fingers. How important is pinch strength to you this week Aries?

CAPRICORN

I am not going to watch a movie called “Mank.” Especially if it is all old-timey and a guy made it. What is something that a man has made that you refuse to engage with? Can you add some more items to that list Capricorn?

SCORPIO

Stigmata vibes. Be on the lookout for bodily marks corresponding to those of the crucified Jesus Christ. Wear loose fitting clothing Scorpio, especially on the torso — where the often overlooked fifth wound shall appear.

VIRGO

No rags this week. No fucking rags! I do not want to see any scraps of fabric Virgo. That goes for toweling as well, any absorbent cloth must be full-sized. Have someone else attend to small spills, let them air dry or sop it all up with your big American blouse.

AQUARIUS

What do you know about Citrus? Spend some time with a lime. Center your lunch around the orange. Juice a grapefruit, take a titty out, read up on kumquats, experiment with yuzu.

TAURUS

Staples recently made a $1 billion offer to buy rival Office Depot's consumer business, the latest in its multiyear attempt to consolidate the office-products space. What would you do with that money if you were Office Depot? Kind of fun to think about, no?

LIBRA

Stop putting essential oils on your face. Many citrus oils are phototoxic and can cause inflammation when exposed to the sun. Generally the less fun, less fragrant oils are more tolerated. God is watching you with that undiluted tea tree, slathering yourself with that frankincense and myrrh and he thinks you should go to CVS.

PISCES

Plecos, the most common of pet suckerfish, make spectacles of themselves by gripping the tank with their mouths and going to town. Plecos know what they want and they don’t mind if you watch. What kind of algae can you scrape off the glass of life this week? Who can you bring along as witness? What do you want Pisces?

GEMINI

Lets try to avoid any major blunders that could change the course of modern history this week. Actually…i’m reading about some famous blunders right now and like… who cares. Everything is already on fire. Throw away your lottery tickets, sell the state of Alaska, trade Brett Favre, spend 15 billion on a new fleet of trains you know will be too wide for stations across the country. It doesn’t matter anymore.

CANCER

What if you were a red spotted blenny sitting in a burrow with your eggs just off of Kume Island in Japan? What if your diet was mainly algae and DETRITUS? What if you were hella territorial and had comb-like teeth lining your jaw? Whenever you have a free moment this week Cancer, I want you to pore over these questions. You may be surprised by the answers.

SAGITTARIUS

Bathe in the nearest river and scrub with it’s small stones. Do some chanting, the words don’t have to be spiritual. Sing anything, sing Mudvayne, but do it in the river while you are scrubbing with it’s little rocks. I don’t know why yet but I think we will both know by next week.

LEO

Something reeks Leo and it isn’t your upper lip. Dedicate this week to sniffing it out. Root around your living space until you find the smell’s origin. If you are struggling, don’t hesitate to hire outside help. I am tempted to pay for it myself because it stinks so fucking bad. The good news is that once we find and eliminate the source it won’t smell like that anymore.